Stick to the plan

(Read time – one bowl of gluten free granola and a Hazlenut Americano)

I cracked it!

Not an egg, though I’ve cracked many. It wasn’t a smile, again, I’ve cracked many, even some quite recently. It wasn’t even a Riedel gin glass, that I again I’ve cracked many (annoyingly, 3, just by dropping ice cubes into my gin… that John Lewis declared wasn’t a product fault and was my heavy handed dropping of ice cubes – thanks for that – 3 times – BS!)

No, I managed to go for a 6 mile walk in Norfolk without a trip to see a medical professional, and in my mind at least, this is a milestone.

The last 2 sizeable walks that I’ve done, have ended in a moderate disaster with lots of anti-inflammatories, scans, ice and even needles. Therefore to do it only with the indigestion from a couple of pints of Bitter and a whopping Sunday roast is a massive victory. And what a beautiful way to spend a couple of days… if you’ve not been to North Norfolk, you absolutely should go. It’s glorious with beautiful scenery, beaches, walks, drinkeries and fooderies. While only ‘up the road’, I always feel like I am ‘on holiday’ when I am there – it’s so relaxing, peaceful and yet has real quality in its offering… I just love it. Though please don’t tell everyone, as I quite like it to be quiet and have it all to myself.

But, Norfolk isn’t always quiet… far from it. Its attraction is also a downfall, and probably the reason I will never live there. For the period of the school’s summer holidays, and associated spring and autumn half terms, everyone, literally everyone, seems to want to be in Norfolk. And why wouldn’t they be? With all the reasons of awesomeness described above, and as one of the driest and sunniest places in the UK, it’s a marvellous place to be. However, when the Chelsea tractors arrive, full of buckets, spades, kids (Isabella and Alexander)* and their Labradoodle (Daisy)**, it’s a mess. The delicate roads are simply not big enough in multiple dimensions, especially when you put the amazing Coast Hopper Bus into the mix with Land Rover’s latest vulgar offering, it’s like squeezing a sprout through a straw. At this time of year, accommodation becomes frightfully expensive, particularly in the better serviced spots of Burnham Market, Thornham and Blakeney. And pricing is also going to change in (some) restaurants, never mind peak pricing for accommodation with different price lists for summer versus winter. Bad if you’re there with Isabella and Alexander in August, but fab value when you rock up on your own in a howling gale in the middle of February. I love visiting in the winter for this reason, and at that time, you’ll want to be tucked up in one of it’s amazing eateries drinking some of Norfolks finest… their wine is quite something – check out Winbirri if you get the chance – their fizz is world class!

And why wouldn’t Norfolk want to exploit these few weeks of demand that are more akin to the panic surrounding the latest games console, to bring in all of the money it can and that it arguably needs to survive for the rest of the year, when it’s people like me popping in for a long weekend or even a day. I am sure the economics and practicalities are not straight forward. I’ve written before about growing up at the seaside and all the benefits this brings, so I am certainly not against the seasons and the changes it brings. Just as I get older, I would rather have it all to myself… selfish I know.

Age does bring with it one good thing – a bus pass – and North Norfolk’s Coast Hopper Bus is definitely worth having a pass for. This ‘Wonder of Norfolk’ (not a UNESCO title, though deserved) runs from Kings Lynn to Cromer, served by two different bus companies (one east and one west – so you have to change in Wells), but is magnificent and hourly, every day of the week. The stops are also, in their vast majority right outside one of the many pubs, in the many villages that are scattered across the North Norfolk coast. It’s a magnificent way to get around, and allows you to go on one of the aforementioned (and in my case, highly risky) coastal walks, have a few beers and belly full of wonderful seafood, and then get the bus back to your log fire blessed accommodation… even with Daisy (the Labradoodle in case your forgot!). However, a word of caution… don’t get carried away in the pub… as when the bus stops at the end of the day, North Norfolk stops. Don’t think you’re calling a taxi – to say they are like ‘Rocking Horse poo’ would be an huge understatement. Unless you’ve pre-booked – you and Daisy had better be equipped with a torch and Kendal mint cake, it’s going to be a long walk home.

It’s not just taxi’s… North Norfolk’s dentists are like Lord Lucan. God forbid if, let’s just say that, hypothetically only of course, you’re on a holiday, perhaps your honeymoon, in Norfolk, and on a week day, one of your crowns comes off while chewing a free jelly bean from the hotels enticing in-room stock (bugger!!). You then call 7 dentists… and none can see you for at least a week and as a result you then have to drive 1.5 hours home to see your own dentist. Only speaking hypothetically – but it could happen! You’ve been warned. And with teeth as bad as mine, this tale of hypothetical woe is enough to put me off living there on its own.

But North Norfolk doesn’t pretend to be anything else than precisely what it is, it is glorious and you should visit, without any doubt. Just not on a school holiday and if you can avoid the weekends out of season, you will pretty much have the place to yourself. There are very few placed I’d rather go. The people are wonderful and also have a cracking sense of humour, though you get the feel they have to in order to tolerate some of the Herberts that you’ll find while navigating this part of the world. This was illustrated beautifully while having breakfast in a traditional cafe, the last morning of my last visit. I noted a plastic pot on the counter at the till with a bunch of pencils in it for sale… a good deal too – 7 for £5. The pencils, being perhaps the North Norfolk equivalent of a stick of rock, proudly declared ‘Burnham Market – Chelsea on Sea’. Touché, and nicely done! I would note that Burnham Market is also known as ‘Spend’em Market’, but I think 7 pencils for £5 is very good value.

I’ve been very focused on the where’s and what for’s of North Norfolk, but I honestly haven’t found much of Norfolk that I don’t like. Norwich remains one of my favourite cities in the world… so friendly and welcoming with great architecture and of course great food and drink (the only reason I really go anywhere, and as you’ve probably gathered it’s as close as I get to ‘culture’)… if you’ve not been, go. And you have to go, as you won’t be passing through there, unless you’re heading to the coast… so you should find the excuse to do both!

So given everything I’ve said and that you’ve heard about Norfolk, its roads and Chelsea tractors you might think it’s not a great place to cycle. And on that, you’d be completely wrong! It’s brilliant. You think it’s flat right? Also wrong!

Ok, it’s not the alps, but it’s not the Fens either. Check out Gas Hill in the city of Norwich itself… literally in the city! It’s steep – up to 20% – and in the wet you’ll have no grip whatsoever as it’s polished… it’s a proper challenge. There’s even the ‘Gas Hill Gasp’ cycling event, a timed race to the top… I didn’t win. But then I didn’t enter, but if I had entered, I wouldn’t have won either way. The result is the same, so let’s just conclude that I saved the entry fee and embarrassment, and didn’t win.

I’ve done a handful of long days on the bike there, and loved every minute. Despite the SUV’s there are plentiful quiet back roads, you will find lumps and bumps and invariably a tractor or bus down a narrow lane just for amusement, and to keep you on your toes. It’s also beneficial that most of the back roads are ‘sunken’ below the sandy verge with hedgerows, so on a windy day, in all but a block headwind, you still have a pretty good chance of an enjoyable day on the bike. The wonderful villages with fab countryside pubs and beer gardens offer perfect refreshment stations with great beer gardens to keep your eye on your bike, and then there’s the view when you get to where you’re going. In my opinion, it is bliss on a bike!

Now, before you immediately go to lastminutenorfolkcyclingholidays.co.uk*** to book your trip there, there is something you should know. Your bike though may not love it quite as much as you will or I do. The narrow lanes hold a dark and sinister secret beyond the bright red Massey Ferguson barrelling towards you with a trailer load of hay bales. Sand. You might not even notice it, but it’s there, and the one thing that is going to notice it, even if you don’t, is your chain. The last hundred miler I did there, my chain went in the bin afterwards. It was literally grinding itself to pieces, with a paste more akin to diamond polishing than the lubrication of 114 links of precision engineering. While frustrating, I was smiling so much after a great ride, that replacing it felt like a rite of passage for a day out on the bike in Norfolk.

So… in conclusion (there always has to be a deep and meaningful conclusion – I’m trying), this beautiful corner of Britain is every bit as tasty as anywhere else I’ve been in the UK. But the food at the Wells Crab House is even tastier… it’s something to behold, my absolute favourite, and my only advice is – you need to book!!! You’re not going to rock up at midday (or 2pm, 5pm or 7pm for that matter) on Saturday and get a table for two… they do two sittings at lunch and dinner, so know when you want to go, and make sure you book it. Just like taxi’s, buses, accommodation and routes around this gem you need to make sure you’re thinking ahead.

If you take one bit of advice from this ramble, make sure it’s this. If it’s late, and you’re fancying a cheeky extra pint because the bus will be late (they always are, aren’t they?) the beer should stay in the barrel… the bus will be on time, and it will be the last one.

Do your homework, and stick to the plan!

* I’ve done my research, Isabella and Alexander were the two most popular names for newborns in Fulham and Hammersmith last year…

** There’s no data for Chelsea’s dog naming, but Daisy is in the top 5 Labradoodle names according to another pointless ‘news report’, so let’s go with it.

*** This doesn’t exist, I think I made it up… I kind of checked, until my browser said my IP address wasn’t safe on that website, so I didn’t go there… and I suggest you don’t either.